In the past 6 months...

These past 6 months have been trying to say the least. Emotionally anyways. We had our homestudy done and approved by April 3rd. Bill worked super hard to get the basement bathroom done in time. Even though we didn't technically HAVE to have it done for that it was a good excuse to finally do it. Stella is super excited to be in the basement in her rather large bedroom and bathroom to herself. I made sure we had everything done on our checklist. Lock up harmful cleaning substances - check. Get first aide kits for home and cars - check. Fill out piles of paperwork - check. Fingerprinting and background checks - check, check. I had my folder and looked at all that needed to be done every single day. It was a relief to be done with that. At the time it felt like that was the hard part. Not. Even. Close. The waiting is always the worst!

Since we are not doing foster care and looking to adopt a child who is already eligible for adoption we have to seek him/her out. I think I've found just about every website that lists such kids. I look at these every day for several hours. I call this my "part-time job". It takes time, organization and lots of patience. I submit inquiries, follow-up on emails, connect with our caseworker and keep track of all the rejections we get. That's one of the hardest parts of this process. Rejection. Nobody likes rejection. It's super frustrating because knowing there are close to 200,000 kids who need a forever family and over 400,000 in foster care just in the U.S. and we can't get just 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So irritating.

But, the hardest part for me is hearing these kids stories. And not even all of it! Just the little bit that is share with us on the very few kids that we actually hear back on possibly being considered for. Stories of neglect and abuse (even by their previous foster parents!!!) and how this has traumatized these sweet children. It baffles my mind to think how a few years in these kids lives of living in such conditions can royally screw them up for the rest of their lives!  One kiddo totally broke my heart. I had my heart set on him and imagined him in our family. He is not doing well and I worry about the life he has ahead of him. Since then I try not to even picture one particular kid in our family. I read, inquire, pray lots, and have faith in the process that when the time is right Heavenly Father will make sure the right kid makes it to us.

Having faith in the process is a hard thing to have ALL the time. However, I do know that we both feel like this is where we should be and how we should build our family. It's not happening as fast as we'd pictured - but that's how it has always been for us. We are on the Lord's time and he knows all things. This trial of faith is strengthening my testimony of how much I need to pray and stay close to my Heavenly Father. I feel more hopeful when I do pray and tell Him that I am doing 110% and the rest is up to him. I know that by doing everything I possibly can that He will help me.

This adoption journey is so completely different than with Stella and Tristan! It was a million times easier to just put our stuff online and pray that our child's birthmom would find us. It was all in the hands of some wonderful, inspired woman who would trust us with her baby. This is just so the opposite. There is a lot that goes into this. I understand that these kids have been through more than anyone should in a lifetime and there is a lot to be considered. So I get why it takes so long. It just feel so lonely and at times very disheartening along the way. I am hopeful for the future of our family and will continue to pray for a child.

Getting There...

It feels like it's been forever since we've started the whole foster care process. Technically it's been since November so not technically "FOREVER" but when you want something so bad tends to feel like I'm a kid on Christmas Eve. I have 2 classes left and Bill has 3. We will be done by the end of February so that is pretty. dang. exciting. Now I want to get our home study scheduled and complete all of the loose ends. I feel a sense of urgency to get Stella moved downstairs and decorate the room for kid #3 even though I know the home study person won't really care as long as they know we have a room and bed for him/her. It's probably just because I love decorating and that's the funnest part of waiting! I wonder how much I should decorate just in case kid #3 may want to put his/her own touches on the room.

I feel like I have learned so much from my classes! I actually enjoy going even though they are tough to sit through most of the time. I like hearing from the other people in class and think our instructor is wonderful and educated. There are things that resonate with me and my kids since I started taking the classes. I feel like as much as I try to prepare myself I won't be. However, these classes make me feel like I have options and help out there. Resources. It helps me realize that these kids are only a product of their environment and it's up to us to help them live a life full of love, security and purpose. I feel hope.

I was shopping today with Stella and looking at picture frames and imagined filling one more frame with kiddo #3 and it literally brought tears to my eyes. I have dreamed since I was little of having 3 children and to have it be within reach moves me. I didn't think this day would ever come. I know it hasn't come yet and we don't know how long it will be before we even get someone in our home, let alone legalize any adoption! I just know we are on the right path and it makes me happy. Happy tears! I can't wait to fill all of my walls with his or her pictures alongside Stella and Tristan.