These past 6 months have been trying to say the least. Emotionally anyways. We had our homestudy done and approved by April 3rd. Bill worked super hard to get the basement bathroom done in time. Even though we didn't technically HAVE to have it done for that it was a good excuse to finally do it. Stella is super excited to be in the basement in her rather large bedroom and bathroom to herself. I made sure we had everything done on our checklist. Lock up harmful cleaning substances - check. Get first aide kits for home and cars - check. Fill out piles of paperwork - check. Fingerprinting and background checks - check, check. I had my folder and looked at all that needed to be done every single day. It was a relief to be done with that. At the time it felt like that was the hard part. Not. Even. Close. The waiting is always the worst!
Since we are not doing foster care and looking to adopt a child who is already eligible for adoption we have to seek him/her out. I think I've found just about every website that lists such kids. I look at these every day for several hours. I call this my "part-time job". It takes time, organization and lots of patience. I submit inquiries, follow-up on emails, connect with our caseworker and keep track of all the rejections we get. That's one of the hardest parts of this process. Rejection. Nobody likes rejection. It's super frustrating because knowing there are close to 200,000 kids who need a forever family and over 400,000 in foster care just in the U.S. and we can't get just 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So irritating.
But, the hardest part for me is hearing these kids stories. And not even all of it! Just the little bit that is share with us on the very few kids that we actually hear back on possibly being considered for. Stories of neglect and abuse (even by their previous foster parents!!!) and how this has traumatized these sweet children. It baffles my mind to think how a few years in these kids lives of living in such conditions can royally screw them up for the rest of their lives! One kiddo totally broke my heart. I had my heart set on him and imagined him in our family. He is not doing well and I worry about the life he has ahead of him. Since then I try not to even picture one particular kid in our family. I read, inquire, pray lots, and have faith in the process that when the time is right Heavenly Father will make sure the right kid makes it to us.
Having faith in the process is a hard thing to have ALL the time. However, I do know that we both feel like this is where we should be and how we should build our family. It's not happening as fast as we'd pictured - but that's how it has always been for us. We are on the Lord's time and he knows all things. This trial of faith is strengthening my testimony of how much I need to pray and stay close to my Heavenly Father. I feel more hopeful when I do pray and tell Him that I am doing 110% and the rest is up to him. I know that by doing everything I possibly can that He will help me.
This adoption journey is so completely different than with Stella and Tristan! It was a million times easier to just put our stuff online and pray that our child's birthmom would find us. It was all in the hands of some wonderful, inspired woman who would trust us with her baby. This is just so the opposite. There is a lot that goes into this. I understand that these kids have been through more than anyone should in a lifetime and there is a lot to be considered. So I get why it takes so long. It just feel so lonely and at times very disheartening along the way. I am hopeful for the future of our family and will continue to pray for a child.
