In the past 6 months...

These past 6 months have been trying to say the least. Emotionally anyways. We had our homestudy done and approved by April 3rd. Bill worked super hard to get the basement bathroom done in time. Even though we didn't technically HAVE to have it done for that it was a good excuse to finally do it. Stella is super excited to be in the basement in her rather large bedroom and bathroom to herself. I made sure we had everything done on our checklist. Lock up harmful cleaning substances - check. Get first aide kits for home and cars - check. Fill out piles of paperwork - check. Fingerprinting and background checks - check, check. I had my folder and looked at all that needed to be done every single day. It was a relief to be done with that. At the time it felt like that was the hard part. Not. Even. Close. The waiting is always the worst!

Since we are not doing foster care and looking to adopt a child who is already eligible for adoption we have to seek him/her out. I think I've found just about every website that lists such kids. I look at these every day for several hours. I call this my "part-time job". It takes time, organization and lots of patience. I submit inquiries, follow-up on emails, connect with our caseworker and keep track of all the rejections we get. That's one of the hardest parts of this process. Rejection. Nobody likes rejection. It's super frustrating because knowing there are close to 200,000 kids who need a forever family and over 400,000 in foster care just in the U.S. and we can't get just 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So irritating.

But, the hardest part for me is hearing these kids stories. And not even all of it! Just the little bit that is share with us on the very few kids that we actually hear back on possibly being considered for. Stories of neglect and abuse (even by their previous foster parents!!!) and how this has traumatized these sweet children. It baffles my mind to think how a few years in these kids lives of living in such conditions can royally screw them up for the rest of their lives!  One kiddo totally broke my heart. I had my heart set on him and imagined him in our family. He is not doing well and I worry about the life he has ahead of him. Since then I try not to even picture one particular kid in our family. I read, inquire, pray lots, and have faith in the process that when the time is right Heavenly Father will make sure the right kid makes it to us.

Having faith in the process is a hard thing to have ALL the time. However, I do know that we both feel like this is where we should be and how we should build our family. It's not happening as fast as we'd pictured - but that's how it has always been for us. We are on the Lord's time and he knows all things. This trial of faith is strengthening my testimony of how much I need to pray and stay close to my Heavenly Father. I feel more hopeful when I do pray and tell Him that I am doing 110% and the rest is up to him. I know that by doing everything I possibly can that He will help me.

This adoption journey is so completely different than with Stella and Tristan! It was a million times easier to just put our stuff online and pray that our child's birthmom would find us. It was all in the hands of some wonderful, inspired woman who would trust us with her baby. This is just so the opposite. There is a lot that goes into this. I understand that these kids have been through more than anyone should in a lifetime and there is a lot to be considered. So I get why it takes so long. It just feel so lonely and at times very disheartening along the way. I am hopeful for the future of our family and will continue to pray for a child.

Getting There...

It feels like it's been forever since we've started the whole foster care process. Technically it's been since November so not technically "FOREVER" but when you want something so bad tends to feel like I'm a kid on Christmas Eve. I have 2 classes left and Bill has 3. We will be done by the end of February so that is pretty. dang. exciting. Now I want to get our home study scheduled and complete all of the loose ends. I feel a sense of urgency to get Stella moved downstairs and decorate the room for kid #3 even though I know the home study person won't really care as long as they know we have a room and bed for him/her. It's probably just because I love decorating and that's the funnest part of waiting! I wonder how much I should decorate just in case kid #3 may want to put his/her own touches on the room.

I feel like I have learned so much from my classes! I actually enjoy going even though they are tough to sit through most of the time. I like hearing from the other people in class and think our instructor is wonderful and educated. There are things that resonate with me and my kids since I started taking the classes. I feel like as much as I try to prepare myself I won't be. However, these classes make me feel like I have options and help out there. Resources. It helps me realize that these kids are only a product of their environment and it's up to us to help them live a life full of love, security and purpose. I feel hope.

I was shopping today with Stella and looking at picture frames and imagined filling one more frame with kiddo #3 and it literally brought tears to my eyes. I have dreamed since I was little of having 3 children and to have it be within reach moves me. I didn't think this day would ever come. I know it hasn't come yet and we don't know how long it will be before we even get someone in our home, let alone legalize any adoption! I just know we are on the right path and it makes me happy. Happy tears! I can't wait to fill all of my walls with his or her pictures alongside Stella and Tristan.

Parents in training

Last week we officially started the foster care road. I got our paperwork started and Bill and I began the foster care classes. I have been looking forward to taking these classes after hearing from several people how great they are! I was nervous about the first class though because it was hours of talking about physical and sexual abuse. We had missed the first two classes because we were on vacation. Bill and I have to alternate classes since we have 2 kiddo's that can't have their parents both gone for 3 week nights! Too much to do after they get home from school!

My second class (which was actually class#4) was about attachment. This class was more emotional for me simply because we watched a short film entitled Removed. It is a heart-breaking and beautiful film that depicts a little girl and her brother being taken out of their home and what kind of situation they are coming from and being put in a foster home and the challenges that comes with it. As I watched this I had a visual. A VOICE to all of the things that I imagine whatever child coming into our home will come come from. I try to prepare myself for the worst case scinerio. As much as I can anyways. I know there are things that may come into my home that I will feel is more than I can handle at times. Things that will make me  want to give up. But I know that it is NOT these kids fault for the crappy hand they've been dealt and I am a tool to help them live a happy, secure life filled with love and validation that they are worthy of all good things.

Even though I've only taken 2 classes I feel like it's given me so much information and a new outlook on my own parenting and how I look at kids that enter foster care. I have a greater idea of why they probably behave the way they do and it makes me want to take whoever I can just to show them love.

Our goal is to adopt from foster care. We are looking at children who are currently available for adoption. I feel an insurmountable sense of pressure to find the person that is suppose to come into our family. I feel more at ease than when we first decided to adopt again. We were debating foster care or international adoption. I'd love to do both! I don't think Bill is as excited about that idea as me. Now I'm trying to convince him to buy a BIG van (as much as I despise the idea of me driving a van) and adopting several foster kids. He just rolls his eyes at me.

I am excited about our new adventure and what the future has in store for us and our family!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOeQUwdAjE0

Ramblings of an adoptive mom

As most of you know (since there are about 3 people that actually look at my blog LOL) we have decided to adopt again! Yay!!! A few months ago and a circumstance came up that got us talking about whether or not we'd like to adopt again. I thought for sure Bill was going to say no. We had decided years ago to stop waiting and just enjoy the 2 that we have already. Although I would always tell people that if something ever came up I'd totally jump on it! I have ALWAYS wanted three kids ever since I was young and had a hard time deciding not to wait longer. Bill, much to my surprise complete shock, said that when people ask him if he wanted more that he did! What?! He said he felt like he'd regret not trying for a 3rd. I felt the same so we decided to adopt again!!!

We both decided we did not want to do the baby thing all over again. As much as I adore babies and those couple of months while they are tiny we didn't want to start completely over again. With Tristan turning 8 in a few months it would feel like having a first all over again! Plus 8 years is a big age span. And let's face it, we are not 25 anymore. So our options are foster care and international adoption. We are looking into both and trying to get as much information as we can so we can make the best decision for our family. Both will be challenging and exciting! Both have their benefits and downfalls. We will see...

So my ramblings are these: Adoption is a very hard, emotional process. It requires lots of patience, hope, faith, prayer, and can be emotionally draining at times. It requires lots of paperwork, money, time, a complete investigation of ourselves. Couples who get pregnant do not have to have someone come do a homestudy to make sure your cleaning products are out of reach or your water heater is just right. They don't have to have fingerprinting or background checks or follow up visits with a case worker every couple of months. Everything is out of our hands. It's hard because we don't have a "due date" per se. We don't know when we'll get that call or if. We don't know what surprises we'll find with this child. Especially with now hopefully getting an older child. People who haven't done it before don't understand fully. As an adoptive mom all I need are to have my friends and family give nothing but love and support. Be excited for us! I know it's hard because like I say it could be a long while. And with foster care - if we do go that route - can be our greatest challenge. But it could also be one of our greatest blessings. I understand those closest to us feeling concern and doubt and I realize it comes from a place of love. Truly. However, I am scared too! I'm afraid this child - being older - won't want me for their mom. That they'll act out and call me names and try to push me away when all I want to do is make a good life for them and show them nothing but love. I worry that a child we welcome into our home and bond with will be taken away and put back into a bad circumstance again just because it's their biological family. I worry that people will not love and accept this child because he/she is different or didn't come to us as an infant and will have set habits or troubles. I have all these concerns and many more. I don't want to go into this thinking it will be a fairy tale. It will probably be anything but. I do think it will be SO rewarding! I need people to be excited for me and want to be my cheerleader because adoption is HARD.  But I can't imagine my family any other way. Adoption is a BLESSING. It's a gift and I wouldn't have a family without it.